I Swear I'm Not The Devil
by LiteraryMirage
Summary: Songfic yes I know, don't hate me! inspired by and making use of Devil by Staind. Mostly Edward reflecting on his regrets, which a little bit of Roy and Hawkeye doing the same.


Author's Notes: Inspired by and making use of the song "Devil" by Staind. Every once in a while I get inspired to write a songfic, and I try my best to weave the plot and lyrics together. And yes, I realize that most people hate songfic, but meh, the muses demanded that I listen. Reviews love!

Disclaimer: The characters all belong to Hiromu Arakawa-sensei, who is a brilliant brilliant woman. Everyone should thank her for giving us FMA!

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**I Swear I'm Not the Devil**

_She sits alone again  
And tries her best not to pretend  
That all she used to live for  
Was the love that wasn't there_

_And every time she needs to do the things  
That she believes  
Will fill the void inside of her  
Because he was never there_

Riza Hawkeye wasn't the kind of woman who gave up easily. In fact, she made a point to never concede defeat. But some days, it was hard to just continue like nothing would ever change, that nothing _had_ changed. No matter what, she was determined to always stand behind Roy and support him in his ambitions. She knew his past, and knew he had what it took to make a better future.

Some days, she wondered if all her work was for naught when she saw _that_ expression on his face. That expression of self-hatred, quickly repressed before anyone else saw it. But she did; she knew how he blamed himself for so many deaths, for the pain, and for the manipulations he was forced to commit.

_And she says, 'I swear I'm not the devil,  
Though you think I am.  
I swear I'm not the devil'_

No matter how hard she had to push him, no matter how many times she had to threaten him to get his work done, she would never let him give up. So many had sacrificed their lives that he may achieve his dream. _I'm sorry Roy, but I have to play this part so that you can succeed. You have to reach the top, change must happen!_

_He tries to sleep again  
And wonders when the pain will end  
The cuts, they may run deeper than his cracking outer shell_

He looks with tired eyes  
At all the people hypnotized  
And wonders what can save him  
From his self created hell.

Roy Mustang was tired. He had seen enough death and pain and sacrifice to last him a hundred lifetimes. He hated what he had become, hated the crimes he had committed, the people he had used. Without Maes there to drag him out of his self-imposed hell, Roy wonder what would become of him when it all became too much. He wondered how long he reverted to the empty shell he had become after Ishbal. And if there would be someone to drag him back out.

_I'm sorry Maes, I couldn't save you. _

_Who will save me now?_

He wiped a hand across his eyes, and with the other picked up the shot glass. It always came down to this, the fiery embrace of this damnable liquid. One day, his namesake flames would consume him. But he was determined that before that day came, he would be able to save his country from itself. _I can't give up yet, not with Bradley still in position as Fuhrer. I can't let another Ishbal happen, I just can't!_

_And he says, 'I swear I'm not the devil,  
Though you think I am.  
I swear I'm not the devil'_

Despite his internal self-flagellation, Roy was not yet ready to cave in. No matter how Fullmetal railed against him, no matter the accusations levelled at him, he _would_ succeed in changing the world. He refused to let more children die because of the insecurities of adults. _I know you hate me Edward, but it's for your own safety. I can't let you see what I've seen, have to go through what I've gone through. I swear I'll protect you and Alphonse!_

_I always fail to see the little things in front of me  
The things that mean so much to you; a way to let you know.  
That I appreciate the way you always tolerate  
But sometimes when I medicate  
Frustration in you shows me how you feel._

For all that Edward was supposed to be a prodigal genius, he often missed the little things that went on around him, and the small things people did for him. He never understood how to tell others how he felt, how much he appreciated the kindness bestowed upon him. He only knew how to fight, how to run headlong into immeasurable odds.

When he heard that Hughes had died because he had been helping Edward and Alphonse, he felt a part of him scream in loss. _Not another one! I can't loose another person!_ Edward would never admit it out loud, but he worried that the same thing would happen to Mustang.

Mustang, who always protected and defended Edward and his brother. The man who had given him hope, given him the means to restore his brother, a path to redemption. A chance a life again. _No! The Bastard knows what he's doing! It's not my fault if he gets hurt!_ But he knew that wasn't true, he knew that it was equivalent exchange to protect Mustang.

Sometimes though, Edward just felt like hiding. He didn't want to see the world anymore, he didn't want to see the form he had forced upon his little brother; but most of all, he didn't want to see the disappointment on the Bastard's face. And at those times, Edward was willing to do anything to escape, for just a moment.

_But I swear I'm not the devil,  
Though you think I am.  
I swear I'm not the devil_

And I scream,  
I swear I'm not the devil.  
Though you think I am.  
I swear I'm not the devil.

Edward knew his sins could never be forgiven. There was no redemption for the damned. He knew his crimes, and knew the punishment that awaited him at the end of his road.

_I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry Al, I never meant for this to happen! Please don't hate me Al!_

Edward had to bite back a sob. It was always on dark nights like this, when the moon was hidden behind storm clouds that covered the night in a chill rain. In the dark, it was hard to hide from his memories, from the nightmares that forever plagued him and left him shaking, trying to hide his tears from Alphonse.

_I swear I'm not the devil_.

Roy always had hated the rain. It reminded him of the night Hughes had come to his apartment, and shaken him out his depression. But Hughes wasn't there to save him, and Hawkeye would never breach protocol enough to barge into his house. Roy looked out the window at the rain soaked streets. The lamps flickered fitfully in the wind blowing the leaves from the trees, leaving the world dark, desolate and cold.

_And I scream,_

_I swear I'm not the devil._

They were both alike in their need for saving. If only they could see past the masks they both wore.

_I swear I'm not the devil!_

"Devil" © Staind

20 November 2006


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